Well Hi there! Welcome to the glorious new website, www.theryandalton.com. This may be the most important website ever to grace the internet since www.chicksIwouldbangifonlytheywouldrealizeImnotsuchacreep.com… or google. What? You want to know why this website is so important or so life changing? How DARE YOU confront the great and powerful OZ with such questioning?!? This website represents all that is going on with comedian (and life changer) Ryan Dalton. So… me. I don’t like talking in the third person, but all these marketing types tend to say that I am my own brand and need to represent it. So let the delusions begin.
This website will give the viewers such treats as:
1. Access to my many social networking sites: Yes, I do not have a real day job. I barely have a fake night job on top of that. I am constantly monitoring TV and radio because I have nothing else going on. That means that I more than capable of coming up with funny/snotty/whiney commentary and then post updates via twitter and Facebook, much like any unqualified loser. (I would mention Myspace but I would rather be on the any multitude of sex offenders website than Myspace. They get more traffic.) Yes you can friend me on Facebook! Thanks for asking! This way when I meet you in person, I can totally treat you like any other worthless stranger that stares at me too long, waiting for me to recognize them. Hey! What are friends for? I love you/don’t know you. If that isn’t enough for you. You should “Like”, my Facebook Fan page. This way you can see… Hell, I don’t know. So I can bother you some more. Why the f*ck do I need two Facebook pages? Why can’t they just combine both? It’s annoying to have monitor both, let alone try and come up with content for both sites. I’m simply not that interesting. Wait, Yes I am! Don’t go away!!
Don’t care about thousands of pictures of me posted by people I barely know? (most of which I was completely inebriated for). Well good. I wouldn’t want to stare at pictures of a puffy loser either. Personally I would rather stare at countless of photos of a girl, taken by that same girl as she stares with fake disinterest into a mirror. ”I’m so bored, I’ll just sit here and snap endless photos of myself making kiss-y photos into a mirror. That will let the world how deep I am!” Fascinating! Anyway, if you don’t want to go through all that crap, just follow me on Twitter. Twitter enables me to be a sarcastic prick in just a 140 characters. Fun!
2. Calender: Some of you out there in the universe may actually believe that I am humorous. So much so that you may want to come to one of my live comedy shows and take in some chuckle-funnies and giffer-gafs. I will be posting my upcoming comedy shows around the country. Hey, if you are near one of them you should come and see me. If you are just a stalker/drifter and just want to cross several states while severed pig head for a hat, all so you can stand just close enough to me to inhale my essence… Well, hey come on down (But buy a CD you wacko).
3. Multimedia: What? High Resolution pictures of myself? Yes, feel free to download them and see all of my gross features up close. After you are done vomiting, feel free to photoshop my head onto dudes having gay sex, farm animals, or one of Charlie Sheen’s goddess’s. Soon there will be video posted too! Yes video of my amazing stand up. Proof that people that find me funny! I am that insecure that you need to see the proof. LOOK AT IT!!!
4. Contact: You want to contact me? You want to tell me how amazing I am? You want to tell me how much of a middle aged balding loser I have become? Fine. Here is another way in which to do so. I promise that if you contact me that I will get back to you. Why? It’s not that I care about our correspondence, it’s that I have NOTHING ELSE GOING ON! You are so lucky to be contacting such a life changer! Good for you idiot!
5. Bio: Want to know what I have done? NOT MUCH! But here is a record of what little I have accomplished. I would have put “Once jerked off 7 times in a day” but I found out that it doesn’t impress bookers. Enjoy my wall of fame. It has made me millions!
6. Buy Stuff: Yes, I will be trying to find new ways to make you buy things with my name, likeness, and my smell. You are so lucky that I am trying to take your money! As of right now I have a CD that is on iTunes, and Amazon.com called “You Were Funny Too”. It is a collection of jokey-jokes that allowed me to worm my way into comedy clubs all over the country. For just ten bucks you can have this collection of award winning jokes. Soon I will have more trinkets like shot glasses, bumper stickers, fake tattoos, real tattoos, Korean sports cars, T-shirts with dragons on them, nipple clamps, T-shirts with wolves and moons on them, and astronaut ice cream! Stay tuned!
This website is very new and I will be constantly updating this new and ever powerful site to bring you the entertainment you deserve. You’re Welcome! God bless me!